The Perfect Mom Complex

In a little over a month I'm going to be 30. I'm in complete denial of the whole thing. Last year, I tried to take control of my emotions by creating a 30 Before 30 list and it was blown to smithereens when I found out I was (SURPRISE) pregnant with the little guy pictured above. Then, my 29th year became solely about surviving.

So I've survived the pregnancy and birth and almost first two months of life with Wallace and I'm doin pretty good. But the big 3-0 still looms in my future and I'm completely freaked out. I had a long talk with my mom about the whole thing and we decided I could make it more like a new beginning than thinking too much about it being the end of my 20s. So I thought I could do that. But thinking something and putting it into practice are two very different things.

So what's my hang up? I think it has to do with the fact that I will no longer be someone with kids and I'll actually be a "mom". Obviously, if you want to get technical, I'm already a mom. But once you turn 30 and you have kids you are officially a MOM, at least in my head.

Why is that bad? It's not. Why is that what's freaking me out? Probably because, like most moms, I feel completely inadequate to be a full-time, hard core, dedicated mom. I feel like once I'm 30 I'll have to start enrolling my children in extra-curricular activities and buy a minivan (which I honestly have no problem with minivans and I know one would greatly improve my life), and, what's more, love every second of it.

I so want to be a good mom. So I guess by turning 30 and becoming a "mom" in my eyes makes me think that I should be at a certain point of motherhood and I am definitely not there. I have a hard time basking in my children, or playing with them at all, or having any desire to redecorate my house so it looks like a "home" and not a boy's apartment (where function rules and prettiness drools).

It seems to me like turning 30 means I'll have to abandon my current method of rearing children and adopt the way I perceive most other people run their households, and be happy about it. And I just don't think I can do that.

I can be me and that's all I can be, no matter how different it seems. I'll be insecure for the rest of my life and compare my mothering skills to others until the end of eternity. Finding the balance where I do what I know I'm supposed to be doing and doing things my own way and feeling secure seems to be what I'm seeking.

How do you cope with mom-competition? How do you manage? I could obviously use some suggestions.